immediate reactions

The past

They thought I’m that good, but that was 10 years ago. I came to SPAC & hated everything about it. The view was great, but the trash disrupted it. Instead of green grasses, I saw brown leaves & peices of garbage. Instead of majestic buildings, I saw cracks in the ceiling. That was me, the negative me. I never liked the way I am. I was an ignorant, pathetic, trying-to-please-everybody brat in grade school. My teachers just noticed my speaking talent, but they never cared about me. I was dragged out of the classroom for rehearsals everytime a school program was coming up. Everything I did in grade school was contrary to what I wanted to do. Everything except writing. I loved writing and nothing, not even the worst critic could make me stop pouring my thoughts into sheets of paper. Me grades were always good but I never thought I deserved it. Why? Because I knew they just made me pass because my mom’s a teacher.

I know I’m so pathetic but I can’t help feeling like it. Somehow, I tried my best to enjoy life. I started to have confidence in high school. I made lots of acquaintances but no real friends. I was known, admired, but never understood. High school should have made me better, but it never did. Each encouragement I received pulled me down. Then one by one, they left me. All I wanted was to prove to them that I just wanted to be understood, I don’t want to be adviced; but they did not believe me. They still wanted to squeeze something better out of me, but I could give nothing more. I disappointed them, so they left me.

The Reality

Now, I’m trying to grab branches & roots to get me out of this emotional self-pity pit I’ve been. I’m slowly worming my way out of disappointment & into expectations. I’m still trying to improve & hoping that I could do better. College life opened new opportunities for me to start again & prove that I don’t want to be expected, I just have to be understood. I can make my way to the top without those stupid encouragements that would jsut pull me down. I can be known, not because my mom’s a teacher but because I am me. I never did mind my mom’s authoritative shadow hovering over me but I have to let them know that I have my life.I don’t want to be compared. I hate to be compared–I  just want to be guided. I don’t have to live up to the expectations of anyone because I have my own goals & dream for myself. I’m tired of being dicated, guidance is what I need…

The Dreams

I grow & I change. Each step I take is a turning point in my life. I have no need to rush because I know I’ll get there. I can get success if I really want to get it…and I will. I will stand at the peak of success & be contented. I just have to do what I can do best & excel more. I would no longer moan in self-pity because I haven’t been able to prove to them what I really am. I am not mediocre but i know what I must do. There would always be one thing that would keep me going on. Those bestfriends, I call journals would keep me guided through. I had once loved writing & I always will, becauce It gives me the thought that I had reached something because I changed from what I am in the past. Something understood… Something cared…

Duhh, as usual… I’m feeling sick again… I dounno, its just one of the days which kills me gently… Well, I had this ROTC Grad which was soooo boring..well, not quite,I just felt very sleepy during the grad. After all, I had to attend that ceremony… [I hate ceremonies... they're borin'!!!] but anyway… I’ll be feeling fine a little later, thanks to this cafe, I just felt away from the world & on with the screen.. ryt now, I’m listening to "everything I’m not" by the veronicas & I just felt about fine…Never mind the stress & hard work that next week’s goin’ to give me… at least dba?! It’s graduation!!!! Yehey!! good luck & God bless to all freaks reading this!!! mwaaah!!!!

Empty Tissue Boxes… and tears… (030707)

 
 

I’m
freaking out again. Here I am, supposedly doing my research work but
DAMN thinking of him. I really can’t help it,but I knew I have to deny.
Well, tell me… How can I?

Now & then, I’ve been glancing
at the phone, desperately wishing he’d call… I have to resist his
charm, you know… But how? Next to me, is that DAMN cute teddy bear
constantly reminding me of him. I knew I could not write… These past
days, my thoughts are occupied with seashore walks,
wishes-at-high-tide, beach escapades, and that DAMN beautiful moon…
How I wanted to hold his hand again & lean next to him… But then
, I don’t want him to think that I’m giving in. If it’s really meant to
be serious, then we’ll have to make changes within ourselves…
Honestly, I’m not yet really for another heartbreak again. My tissue
boxes tell me I’ve cried enough. But here I am… hopelessly falling
again…

I really don’t understand why it had to be this way. I’ve always believed that I was never loved… just adored…

Yes,
they just adored me because they see that cute, adorable, childish kid
in me. I was never loved for who I am… Or maybe I was, but it just
wasn’t enough…

With him, it was just different…and
difficult. Yes, he still has the same characteristics with those stupid
men who didn’t care enough if my heart would break. He has the same bad
habits as those guys., just daring enough to do it in front of me. I
didn’t know what to feel… I was insulted, humiliated, & irritated
but there’s still that DAMN fact that he’s just being honest with what
or who he is… But if he’s not trying to change, how THE FUCK can i
accept him?!

I understand there are habits that take time to be
changed. Maybe, I still have to wait… but how long? I’m not saying
I’m some kind of angel here, so you-have-to-change-for-me… We play
the same games…, I’m aware of that… He’d just gone farther enough
to make him go back… But guys like him, aren’t worth my seriousness,
they’re just meant for fun… His case was different… he dared to
meet my parents… The first guy ever to do that.

I don’t like to
feel the situation like this. I’m trapped between the arrogant brain
& the stupid heart. I should know that I’m not foolish enough to
give in, but I also should not be too hard on myself. After all, if it
won’t work, it would just be another heartache added to me list. I
would learn another lesson about life… That lines like, "I love you
& I’ll stand for it no matter what…" would still be lies… Or
that staring at the moon, with him holding my hand would be plain
foolishness…

I don’t want to gamble & lose again. I hate to
fight & end up having the same battle-scars all over again… I
don’t want to laugh now & cry forever… But I guess, I still have
to try. There are still uncertainties about this thing I’ve let myself
in. I should know, it still hurts to try but I guess I have to. I’m
still not sure of what I really want. I’m still playing the denial
part. I have to admit I like him but it’s still not enough. Why not
just enjoy this feeling now? After all, those tears would just fall
later… and the empty tissue boxes would be silent witnesses to
another lesson learned the hard way…

Damn, in love napud ko?! Or dpende on how you call it… Well, let’s see. We juz met for a very short time & it felt lyk I’ve known him all my life… I just hope I’m not sinking deeper into this… Hello, I can’t bear it kaya?! not another heartbreak again… NO! definitely, NO! Ok lang unta, if its meant for games… pero murag serious mn gud xia bai! Hadlok jud bya ko…I dunno if i shud trust him or if he’s just playin’ wid me…I’m certain he’d go too far just to win a girl’s heart…I just hope he’d be DAMN honest with me…

I’m still not sure of what I feel for him. Pero, I like being with him, specially when he’s sOooo damn lambing… I just love being with him…I don’t do this everytime but ‘ve been taking time to admire the moon for a week now… I just wished he’d be drunk forever…That way, i won’t feel like I’m making damn commitments to him. I hate commitments you know… But anyway, I’d just take time to enjoy this guilty feeling I have for him… I’m not yet sure if he’s really meant for sumthin’ serious but duhh,  if it fails… those DAMN tears would just fall… It doesn’t matter anymore… I thnk I’m giving in…? No!!!! Not YEt!!!

Well, if he isn’t meant for me, at least a teddy bear would be there to watch me cry…It won’t feel that lonely anymore…Whatever his plans are, I just hope it would be for the best…